A18

by Paul Merrigan
This Week Staff

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There are few things that are more frustrating to parents then feeling that they are losing control of their child.

Many parents face challenges with their child and when things start to go bad, they can often spiral until it becomes difficult to know where to begin to get your child back on track.

While there are no magic spells or guarantees, there are some basic things to keep in mind as you try to gain control.

Communication is the key

The absolute most important thing to remember with rules, boundaries and consequences is that everyone must know what they are.

The child and anyone who is responsible for the child (day care, grandparents, etc.) can only respect and react to rules if they know what they are.

If these rules have not been openly discussed and set down, there is no time like the present. Parents need to decide where they are drawing the lines and how they will deal with any rule breaking. Children need to be told very clearly what expectations are being placed on them.

Reality versus fantasy

There is really no point in trying to implement too many rules at once or setting the bar too high with any particular rule. While you ideally want the "perfect child", kids are always going to make mistakes.

It is better to set goals that are achievable so that your child experiences success than to continually fail to meet your expectations. Once they are consistently doing well, raise the bar a little higher.

Setting consequences

Deciding on consequences can be very difficult. Most importantly, all caretakers must apply the same consequence for undesired behaviours. Having different consequences for the same behaviour can be very confusing and frustrating. The consequences must also be known beforehand if at all possible.

If kids don't know what to expect from you, then you probably won't know what to expect from them, either. As well, telling them in advance what will happen should they break a rule makes for less arguing when the punishment is handed down.

Consistency, consistency, consistency

Another major pitfall that can confuse children and lead to behaviour issues is inconsistency. When rules are set, parents (and caretakers) must agree to enforce them all of the time. When one parent doesn't hold the same standards, it undermines both parents ability to do their job.

Kids will test the limits time and time again and it is important to hold the line. Not only do both parents have to have the same standards, but they must both stick to them. If there are disagreements about discipline, discuss them away from your children, negotiate an outcome that both parents can abide by and present it to your child as a unit.

Backdoor deals, special "breaks" from the rules or letting something slide for any reason ("I'm too tired", etc) will mean more problems in the not too distant future.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes

Never admitting when you are wrong and never apologizing signals to your child that if they ever go astray, it will be better to deny it or cover it up. Worse yet, they may feel that you can't relate to them and will be in a constant state of stress trying to be "perfect", just like you present yourself.

Making a mistake as a parent can be more valuable than just about anything else you can do for your child - depending on how you handle it.

If they see you own up to your error and apologize for your mistakes, they will be more likely to do the same. This includes mistakes you make with them.

A sincere apology from a parent followed by an explanation about it will go a long way to helping them become mature and responsible people.

* Paul Merrigan is a certified private personal counsellor and stay-at-home dad to two boys. He holds a M.Ed. in Counselling Psychology. To contact him or ask a parenting question for a future column, email paulmerrigan@hotmail.com or call 364-7401.